Kids at Weddings: Timing, Roles and Photos

Kids at a wedding are only a problem when nobody has planned for them. Give them a clear job, a short ceremony, a quiet place to melt down, and food before the adults eat, and they become the best candid photos of the day. Whether to invite them at all is your call.

A wedding with twenty children and a wedding with none can run equally smoothly, and the difference has almost nothing to do with the number. It comes down to whether the schedule was built around what small humans can actually do. Below is how I plan a wedding day when children are on the guest list, including the timing that keeps them happy and the venue rules that quietly govern flower girls.

Should you invite children to your wedding?

There is no correct answer, and I am not going to pretend there is. Adults-only weddings are common and reasonable. So are weddings where every cousin under ten is running the dance floor by nine o'clock. What matters is that you decide early, say it plainly on the invitation and the website, and then apply it consistently. Half-rules ("immediate family kids only") are fine as long as you can name every child who qualifies before anyone asks.

If you do invite children, tell your photographer. I build a different Minnesota wedding day timeline when there are toddlers in the family photo list, because the portrait block has to move earlier and run faster. If you want to talk it through before you build the schedule, get in touch about your date.

What can you realistically expect from a child during the ceremony?

Here is my honest read, drawn from watching a lot of aisles:

• Under two. Assume they will be carried or held. A one-year-old "walking" the aisle is really an adult walking the aisle holding a one-year-old, which is a lovely photo, just a different one than you pictured.
• Two to four. They will make it down the aisle about half the time. The other half, they stop in the middle, or run to a parent, or sit down. Plan for both outcomes and neither one ruins anything.
• Five to eight. Usually reliable if they have walked it once at a rehearsal and know exactly where to go at the end. "Go sit with Grandma in the second row" is a better instruction than "go stand up front."
• Nine and up. Capable of a real role, including readings, and usually delighted to have one.

Whatever the age, seat them at the front of the aisle rather than parking them at the altar for a thirty-minute ceremony. The processional order you choose should put children early so they are finished and seated before you walk.

Which kid roles actually work?

Flower girl and ring bearer are the defaults, but they are not the only options, and they are not always the easiest ones.

Roles that tend to go well

• Walking in pairs, so neither child is alone in front of a hundred faces.
• Carrying a sign rather than a basket. Nothing to spill, nothing to drop.
• Handing out programs before the ceremony with a parent standing beside them.
• A short reading for an older child, printed in a large font on a card they keep.
• Being in the family photos and then being released to play.

Roles that create problems

• Carrying the actual rings. Use a decoy and keep the real ones with an adult.
• Standing in the wedding party for the whole ceremony.
• Anything that requires waiting quietly in a hallway for more than ten minutes.

If a child is in the wedding party, add them to your wedding photography shot list by name so nobody is hunting for "the little one in blue" when the light is going.

Where do children fit in the timeline?

My rule is simple: children go first in every photo block, then they are done. Family formals with kids in them belong at the very start of the family session, not buried at number fourteen. A first look earlier in the day helps here too, because it moves the couple's portraits off the post-ceremony block and frees time for the family list while everyone is still fresh.

The other constraint is sleep. The American Academy of Sleep Medicine's recommendations, published by the American Academy of Pediatrics, call for 11 to 14 hours per 24 hours for toddlers aged 1 to 2 and 10 to 13 hours for preschoolers aged 3 to 5, both including naps. A 4 p.m. ceremony lands squarely in nap-recovery territory for a two-year-old. That is not a reason to move your ceremony; it is a reason to expect the two-year-old to be photographed at 3:30 rather than 8:30.

Late-season weddings tighten this further, because the portrait window closes early. Check sunset times for your month before you promise anyone a relaxed golden-hour family session in October.

What do venues allow for flower petals and tosses?

This catches couples every year. Petals are a venue policy question, not a style question, and the rules are usually published.

The Minneapolis Park and Recreation Board's wedding and ceremony site rules state that "Rice, confetti, glitter, or birdseed is not permitted" and that littering is not allowed, with permits issued for one, three or six hours including setup and photos. The Minnesota Landscape Arboretum's wedding FAQ goes further and says "Sparklers, open-flame candles, fireworks, balloons, confetti, and glitter are not permitted on site," adding that flower petals, if dropped, must be real petals and cleaned up directly after the ceremony.

So before you buy a basket of silk petals, read the rental agreement. My guide to Minneapolis Park Board ceremony sites covers the permit side, and if you are marrying outdoors, outdoor ceremony locations in Minnesota is a useful place to compare what different sites allow.

How do you keep children happy through the reception?

Three things solve most of it: food, noise and a place to lie down.

Food

Ask your caterer to serve children first, before the head table. A hungry five-year-old at 7 p.m. is a different person than a fed five-year-old at 6:30. This is the same logic behind feeding your vendors on time, and it costs you nothing but a line on the banquet order.

Noise

Wedding dance floors are loud. The National Institute on Deafness and Other Communication Disorders notes that long or repeated exposure to sounds at or above 85 dBA can cause hearing loss, and puts concerts and similar events in the 94 to 110 dBA range. Earmuffs sized for children cost very little and let a four-year-old stay on the dance floor instead of being taken home. I keep this in mind when I am shooting near the speakers too.

Somewhere to crash

Ask your venue whether a side room, bridal suite or quiet corner can hold a couple of sleeping bags after 8 p.m. Many will say yes if you ask in advance. If yours will not, that is worth knowing while you are still comparing Minneapolis wedding venues.

Getting children to the venue: car seats and shuttles

If you are running a shuttle, know that a coach bus is not a car-seat solution for small children. The Minnesota Department of Public Safety states that "All children must be in a child safety seat until they are 4 feet, 9 inches tall or at least 8 years old, whichever comes first." In practice, families with young children will drive themselves, which means parking, not shuttle seats. Build that into your wedding transportation plan and tell the venue how many extra cars to expect.

It also affects your photo timing. A family arriving in their own car at their own pace will not necessarily hit a 3:15 call time. Give child-heavy family groups a fifteen-minute buffer and put them first in the order.

Frequently asked questions

Is it rude to have a child-free wedding?

No. It is a normal choice, and plenty of couples make it for budget, venue capacity or simple preference. The only real obligation is clarity: say so on the invitation and the wedding website, address envelopes to the named adults, and give parents enough notice to arrange care. Be prepared for a few guests to decline, and accept that gracefully rather than negotiating exceptions one family at a time.

What age should a flower girl or ring bearer be?

Five to eight is the sweet spot in my experience. Children in that range can follow a rehearsed route, understand where to sit afterwards, and enjoy the attention without being overwhelmed. Younger than that, plan for an adult to walk with them and treat anything else as a bonus. Older children often prefer a different role, such as a reading, handing out programs or being an usher.

When should family photos with children happen?

First, always. I put every grouping that includes a child at the top of the family formal list so those children can be released to play within ten minutes. If you are doing a first look, the couple's portraits are already finished, which leaves the post-ceremony window free for family. Waiting until golden hour to photograph a toddler is how you end up with a photo of a toddler who is done.

Do children need to be at the ceremony the whole time?

No, and it is usually better if they are not. Seat them with a parent on an aisle so leaving is easy and quiet. If your ceremony runs past twenty minutes, assume at least one child will need to step out. A venue with a lobby, narthex or covered porch makes this painless; an outdoor ceremony with no exit route does not.

Should we hire a babysitter for the reception?

If more than about six children are coming, it is worth considering. A sitter in a side room with quiet activities gives parents a real evening and gives you a calmer dance floor. Ask your venue first, because some require any hired childcare provider to be insured and named on the rental agreement. Build the room request into the contract rather than asking on the day.

Sources

• HealthyChildren.org (American Academy of Pediatrics): Healthy Sleep Habits: How Many Hours Does Your Child Need?
• National Institute on Deafness and Other Communication Disorders: Noise-Induced Hearing Loss
• Minnesota Department of Public Safety: Protect your child and yourself with proper car seat and seat belt safety
• Minneapolis Park and Recreation Board: Wedding / Ceremony Sites
• University of Minnesota Landscape Arboretum: Wedding FAQ